Encourage Independence.

The first time your young son or daughter leaves home to spend the night with a friend you are probably thinking to yourself, “I hope he will be fine.”

What you actually may say to your child could go something like this, “Are you sure you want to spend the whole night away from home?” You are looking for reassurance for yourself but what you have really done is to implant a negative thought in your child’s mind. He is now, most likely, thinking, “Maybe this is not a good idea. I probably should not go.”

What you want, in the long term, is to create excitement in your child’s mind. You want him to think of all the fun things that could lie ahead. You want him to think he is ready for this step, be it an overnight stay, a week at camp, a new school, entering college or accepting a new job out of state.

In order to be independent of you, he needs to feel he can do it, he can handle it and he is on top of things.

You can help with these transitions. Once again, it comes back to the fact that “words matter”. Your words matter. Stay positive and you are on your way to encouraging independence.

There you go. Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay

A Sense of Humor.

Some of the people I treasure the most have a sense of humor. They add a breath of fresh air to a somber day. They can be the life of the party but they also, sometimes unknowingly, can diffuse a difficult situation.

I do not have this gift but my husband does.

I can recognize and appreciate it in other people. You may be one of these gifted people. If so, consider yourself most fortunate and use your gift to help make your home a happier place.

There you go. Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay

Appreciation.

One of our greatest needs is to feel appreciated.

Showing appreciation to your son can start very early.

All those drawings that his chubby little hands present to you are his way of showing love. Sharing his efforts with you is making you his honoree. How you handle this speaks volumes to your child.

If you are too busy to look at his work, you are conveying that his work is not worthwhile. He is not worthwhile.

How can you appreciate his work? Stop what you are doing. Show your pleasure with a smile, a quick hug and of course a thank you… . Your little guy will be off and you can get back to whatever you were doing.

However, there is one more step. Later that day, find a way to display his work. Be creative, sometimes put it on the fridge, but not all the time. If you have a frame or a chid’s easel, use that to display his work for a limited time period. Removing the drawing encourages your son to make you another of his masterpieces.

There you go. Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay

Are you a Morning Person or a Night Owl?

I know I am an early morning person. I run out of steam in the evening. I have always been this way but I never thought to plan my day around this fact.

I wish I had read to my boys during the day. There is no law that says the only time to read to your children is when you put them to bed.

My boys were short changed on bed time stories because I was tired by the time I put them to bed.

We know a lot more now about our body clock and what works best for us.

Are you an early morning person or a night owl?

This knowledge will help you plan your day and your time with your son.

There you go. Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay

Share your feelings.

This has been a tough week. You can list so many things that you wish your teenage son had done differently. Ask yourself why is that?

Is he doing so many things wrong or just differently than you would do them? It is hard to visualize your child as someone with different views than yours.

When you feel you need to step in with some guidance, try to choose your words carefully. For instance, instead of saying, “You are wrong, you should not, cannot do this…” Try saying, “It upsets and confuses me when you do this. I do not understand the reasoning behind your decision. Can you explain it to me?”

Your main goal is to raise your son to be his own person, to lead a good life where he will be on his own and not need you. You will get there. When it happens it will be a mixed blessing. You will have accomplished this goal but it will feel like he is no longer yours.

Look at it this way, you will have sent out into the world a wonderful person with new ideas and a confident spirit. Remember, Children are our Future, and you are helping our future to be a great place.

There you go. Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay

Choose your battles.

It is Friday, early evening. Your teenage son’s towel is on the bathroom floor. His clothes are everywhere. It is easy to see he is in a hurry.

Do you really want to ask him to clean up the bathroom? Do you really care about the bathroom? What is important to you right now? I think you want to know more about your son’s plans for this evening.

My middle son once told me, “You don’t really care what my date wore. Ask what you really want to know. Can you do that in 5 questions?”

That made me stop and think. Can I find out what I need to know in just 5 questions? Of course, I can, but I admit it was a challenge for me.

When he returned home that evening I did not start the chat with a long casual conversation. I cut to the chase and asked what I really wanted to know.

It became a mutual understanding between the two of us. If I got off course, he would simply smile and say, “Five questions, Mom.” It became our thing and it really worked for us!

Every teenager is different and I did not use this tactic with his brothers but it is one more tip, in case you need it, to keep the communication going with your teenager.

There you go. Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay

Criticism. Ridicule.

These are two very different things but criticism can sound like ridicule.

Each will lower his self esteem especially when the comments come from a loved one.

On the other hand, Constructive Criticism can be very helpful when your son is open to your suggestions. If you see an area where you think your son could make some improvements, use your words carefully.

An example:

I asked you to clean your room but I am guessing that we have different thoughts on what that means. When you have a free moment can we talk about this?

Hopefully, you are opening the door for him eventually saying, probably with some exasperation, “Mom, WHAT exactly is it that you want me to do in my room?” If and when this happens you have your opening and your teachable moment.

This works much better than saying, “I told you to clean your room. It is a mess, just like everything you try to do. Why can’t you ever do what I tell you to do? I am so disappointed in you.”

Evaluate the above paragraph. It accomplished nothing but hurting your son’s feelings. He no longer wants to please you. He could care less about his room AND the crushing blow is that he feels he is a disappointment.

We are all prone to saying things we wish we could take back. This would DEFINITELY be one of those times.

In some cases, it might be fair to say that his actions disappoint you. There is an out there. He can always change his actions but saying HE is a disappointment is never appropriate. It is very hurtful and damaging to him.

There you go. Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay

No Questions Asked.

Let it be known to your son that he could find himself at the wrong place at the wrong time. So, you need a plan.

I always feel better if I have a plan. I think you and your son will too. This particular plan may never be used and that will be a good thing. However, the two of you have discussed it and are ready, just in case…

Here is as an example, let’s say your son is invited to a friend’s house or a party where there is alcohol or drugs. Let’s say he knows this in advance or is blindsided when he arrives. Either way, even though he is a very young teenager, we trust that he is sharp enough to realize that he is not in a good place.

The discussed and agreed upon plan is this:

If I find myself in a bad situation, I will make a call to the chosen “No Questions Asked” driver. I will give my location first, then I will request to be picked up as soon as possible. (The chosen driver is probably you, or another family member or could even be an Uber driver.) When my ride arrives, I get in the car. No questions will be asked of me. I know I made the right choice, my chosen driver knows I made the right choice. Life goes on.

There you go. Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay

Thoughtfulness.

It is Birthday Time!! The easiest thing to do is to send those party invitations to school with your son but is it the right thing to do? NO, it is not, unless you invite every boy in his class.

Think of it this way. Your young son is sitting at his desk just before the bell rings and one of his grade school classmates is passing out envelopes to everyone, or so it seems, but for sure your son knows he did not get one… Can you feel his shoulders slump, his smile disappear?

Now, I know that most homes are not big enough to invite tons of boys for a birthday party and party venues are very expensive. So, I agree, it is not always possible to invite everyone in the class or on the soccer team or… But, is there a better way to do this? YES, there is. Choose a private method of delivery: contact the parents, get the information you need, then text or mail the invitation for each child. Oh, I see you don’t know all the parents.

You are busy and this will be time consuming but reaching out to the parents and getting to know the parents may be the most important thing you will remember about this birthday party.

Remember Tip # 2

Start early by surrounding yourself with friends that have sons around the same age as your son. You will learn from each other. Never underestimate the power of parents who care and share.

There you go! Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay

Kindness.

No Man Is an Island, this phrase was written by the poet, John Donne.

It is not a new idea but have you thought about it recently?

We all do need others to thrive.

Ask your son if he has noticed anyone at school sitting alone? If he has, it was probably not a good day for that student.

Help your son to learn empathy for others. Suggest he keep an eye out for anyone who seems alone and make it his goal to smile and say hello every time their paths cross.

There you go. Another lesson for today. Now, go and love your son in your own special way. Some days are long but, trust me, the years will just disappear.

Love,

MarnaKay